the Talented Mr. Park

Many things change in life. Today’s post is about one of them. Meet, Mr. Park.

Mr. Park is just your average kitty, who was given way too much love. And in terms of love, I mean food. According to his owner, who will remain anonymous because she knows who she is and I’m sure the pain in the lower half of her back from lifting all 25 pounds of Mr. Park will teach her not to feed him so much, Mr. Park consumes the equivalent of about 4 coffee cups of food a day. In addition, his favorite pastime is sitting and getting petted. While this is recommended by the AAOLFA (American Association of Obese Lazy Fucks of America), perhaps a change is in order.

Still I feel the need to point out that such transformations are not irreversible. I present my own slimming down and Jared Fogle, from Subway, as examples. While conversing fattening up is not totally uncommon, as shown here by Tera Patrick (safe for work).

So, I have some advice for Mr. Park. Let’s talk cat-to-man:

Here’s the deal, bro. In your current state, no female is gonna let you sniff her ass or do nothin’ else that you cats like to do. And all that extra weight ya carrying is gonna make it difficult for you to get out of the house and find any girls anyway. Get active, start running laps around the coffee table, eat only small portions, lots of times a day and instead of lying down and getting scratched by your owners, go attack something and give your claws a workout. Just remember, your owner only has one back and she isn’t going to throw it out for you again! Oh, and it’s time to get up off that printer, which is slowly crushing together into one unrecognizable blob of plastic and toner from your own fat ass.

And yes A, he is cute…