27 Ways to Skin a Cat

Okay, does this post have anything to do with the title? Uhhhh...no. But it sounded nice when I wrote it so okay. Actually I was challenged to write the following treatise, so here we go.

On the advent and proliferation of hands-free cell phone usage in Bay Ridge.
A treatise, written in 3 hours, without fact-checking nor proofreading, by Nicholas McCarthy

In recent years the number of people who are apparently talking to themselves while roaming the streets of Bay Ridge has increased by a startling number. The American Organized Mental Health Association of American (AOMHAA) estimates that nearly one out of every five Bay Ridgians could possess some form of mental abnormality or uniqueness. Furthermore, the healthy eating craze that is taking the country by storm has shown, in clinical studies, to increase chances of these uniquenesses by twenty percent, as opposed to that of the more traditional American cuisine, such as that provided by the Coca-Cola corporation and Riese Restaurants. What has allowed this to occur? Has the abortion loving, peacenik, gay, liberal culture of New York finally taken its toll on the kind, friendly, law-abiding people of Bay Ridge?

October 21^st, 1995, twelve youths who attend Msgr. Farrell H.S. in Staten Island New York are shocked to find 47-year old Jordana Roberts of Bay Ridge having a conversation with the window while riding the S79 MTA bus to return to their homes. To one of the youths, who wished to remain anonymous, this seemed to be the culmination of an alarming trend. In the past 16 years, he had witnessed no less than 5 people talking to themselves on the streets of Bay Ridge. After years of painstaking research, the others witnessed: Linda Bain, Robert Totoriello, Edward Koch, Jack McCarthy and Susan Lewis. While the details of each individual’s cases are specific and confidential, one main similarity can be drawn between the 6: abnormal thermomechnical differential podiatric quadosifuly. Many probable causes have been voiced by noted medical personalities in the field. Ranging from, Brooklyn’s water supply, clean fresh air, wide variety of pasta orientated restaurants, the increase of cell phone users and providers, Starbucks finally opening in Bay Ridge, increase in the number of Bushkies roaming the backstreets at night and the lack of bad pizza in the area.

Upon the completion of his courses in university, the youth began a promising career in the field of mental health research, specifically attempting to pin down the cause of this phenomenon, though shortly after the publication of his first thesis: “On the duplication of individuals speaking to individuals whom do not appear to exist in reality”, Princeton Scienctific Review 3-02-01, in which he laid the groundwork for what seemed could possibly be a quick and solution to this problem presented before us, he received the following email:

Dear ::deleted::,

With all due respect to your personality, I request that you do not feel disturbed as I know that business of this magnitude will surely make one apprehensive.

I write to solicit your utmost confidence, knowing too well that wehave neither known nor met each other before, but because you and the Late ::deleted:: are from the same country. Having searched through the internet, from where I got your email address, I hereby request that you become the Next of Kin to the Late ::deleted:: who died here in West Africa and abandoned a fixed deposit of Nine Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (USD $ 9.500.000.00), without a specified next of kin to inherit the deposit at the time of his death.(Maybe he did this because of the fact that he was into crude oil deals called "Oil bunckering" here in west Africa).

My name is ::deleted::, I am account officer to the Late ::deleted::,. In the financial Laws of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, the holding bank is required to repatriate any abandoned fund by a foreigner if nobody comes to claim the said funds after four (3) years of the confirmation of the death of the depositor.

For the past three years, all the effort I have made to trace any relative of the late ::deleted::
My interest in this abandoned deposit is as follows:

-I do not want this funds to go into the hands of our corrupt government officials, who have embezzled our national funds all these years.

-To see that this abandoned deposit is not handed over to the corrupt government officials of President Olusegun Obansanjo.

-To make you the Next of Kin to the late ::deleted::, and whom he has willed the said deposit before his death.

-To ensure that the deposited funds is transferred to you as your INHERITANCE.

-To ensure that my own share of it is invested wisely in your country in any viable area of investment.

Bear in mind that the entire transaction will be risk - free and legitimate since the funds will be coming to you as your INHERITANCE. If this proposition is acceptable by you, respond to me ASAP but if not acceptable by you, do not take advantage of it to betray me. Remember that doing business over the Internet could sometimes be risky. If acceptable by you, send me your private telephone and fax numbers for me to call you for detailed discussion.

God bless us.

::deleted::

After which the now-no-longer young, youth promptly vanished. This proved a crushing blow to the field of research of which this treatise is interested in. Therefore the remainder of this paper will summarize my ideas on the topic as theorized by myself one day while sitting on the toilet with nothing to read.

In recent times when someone roams the streets of Bay Ridge, one will find a large number of people who seem to be apparently talking to themselves about, well nothing. In fact it seems that a large number of people these days are talking about nothing, but that is the topic of my 15^th treatise: “On the subject of the lack of subjects worth subjecting one’s subjects to.” Still, we can only account the number of truly mental unstable people in the city to about 2% of the Bay Ridge population, at least according to the American Organized Mental Health Association of American (AOMHAA). So who are we to believe, the left-wing wackos that run the American Organized Mental Health Association of American (AOMHAA), or the right-wing war mongers, whose answer to the who situation of people talking to themselves is simply a figment of my imagination and oh by the way the economy is getting stronger. Regardless, the simple reason, which has taken me quite a while to get to, is the fact that the reason for the increase of the number of people taking to themselves on the streets of Bay Ridge is caused by the increase in the sale and use of hands-free cell phone kits, which allow you to talk on the phone while you drive, eat pizza, milk your goat, beat your wife and/or husband, go shopping, go food shopping, walk down the street of Bay Ridge, watch TV, play with your new Xbox360, which sucks, and many other varieties of activities that people from Bay Ridge do.

In conclusion, it is important to note that while mentally unstable people still roam the streets of Bay Ridge, especially close to 92^nd Street and 4^th Avenue, they are not the majority of the people talking to themselves on the streets and show not be avoided as you would if you meet them in the 86^th Street station.

Wisdom of the Day: The medium pizza is really a small and so on...